by Stop Mike Lupica on March 5 at 4:02PM
(Phone rings)
Steve Francis: “Yo, who the f*ck is this, calling me, 5:46 in the morning, crack a dawning, now I’m yawning…”
Isiah Thomas: “Yo, G! It’s me, Zeke!”
SF: “Zeke?”
IT: “Yeah, what up? How are you doing?”
SF (slowly awakening): “Zeke. What you want, man?”
IT: “…well…”
SF:”Wait… is it a done deal? Am I brought out?”
IT: “..um…”
SF: “Yeah, I’m a free man! Yo, Cuttino, I’m free ya’ll…”
IT: “…whoa, slow down, Stevie…”
SF: Yeeaah, I’m free, I’m freeeeee!”
IT: “YO! Steve, chill out… listen to me. We haven’t brought you out yet.”
SF (disappointed): “wha?”
IT: “Yeah, I’m sorry. That’s not why I was calling.”
Long pause
IT: “Steve?”
SF: “Yo, what the f*ck are you calling for then?”
IT: “Well, did you hear about Jamal?”
SF: “…uh-huh…”
IT: “…it seems some of Lupica’s boys got to him…”
SF: “yeah…”
IT: “…yeah, they jumped him. Messed him up badly. He’s gonna need surgery on his ankle…”
SF: “…go on…”
IT: “So, I guess, well, we kinda could use you again…”
SF: “OH. I see. Now look who needs the Franchise.”
IT: “Yeah, we need you.”
SF: “YEAH. Now you need me, right? Before it was all ‘Go to Houston, get rehab on your knee’, right? Now its ‘We need you’, huh?”
IT: “Listen man, my job is on the line…”
SF: “Screw you and your job! I’m “rehabbing”, remember? You sent me here because of my “injury”, remember? Too bad, dude. Franchise ain’t available.”
Another pause
IT: “Steven, listen to me. Don’t you want to know what I can offer you?”
SF: “You can’t offer me jack, man!”
IT: “No, seriously… I have to save my job, man. So here’s what I’ll do for you…”
SF: “… here it comes…”
IT: “I’ll play you. You’ll be a star again. Then I can trade you…”
SF: “… yeah, whateva…”
IT: “I can trade you to Bucks, they’re gonna need a point. Or the Lakers maybe… wouldn’t you like that?...”
SF: “The Franchise has heard this before! You told the Franchise that you were gonna play him, then trade him at the deadline. What happened, ZEKE? You lying-ass Vulcan-looking mo-fo…”
IT: “Steve, hear me now. That didn’t work out, but I’ll play you now and trade you in the offseason…”
SF: “…yeah, right…”
IT: “…and if I can’t trade you then I promise we’ll buy you out.”
Re-Pause
SF: “Buy Franchise out? For real?”
IT: “Freedom, Steve. Freedom.”
SF: “I could sign… anywhere?”
IT: “Anywhere Steve. In fact, I heard that the Clippers could use a point.”
SF: “The Clippers?”
IT: “The Clippers. Isn’t your “friend” Cuttino on the Clippers?”
SF: “Baby-boy?”
IT: “The two of you could be a team again.”
SF: “Me and baby-boy?”
IT: “Sing with me, Steve. Re-u-nit-ed…”
SF: “…and it feels so good…”
IT: “Re-u-nit-ed…”
SF: “…cause we understood.”
Damnit, another pause
IT: “Steve, all you have to do is play hard and save my job. Save the Zeke’s job, save the world. Get your freedom. Got it?”
SF: “Fine, I’m in.”
IT: “I knew you would.”
IT: “Oh, one more thing, Steve.”
SF: “Yeah, Zeke?”
IT: “I told Bill Laimbeer that if I didn’t keep my job, he’s to kill Cuttino.”
SF: “WHA?”
IT: “Yeah, you heard me. I hate this, Steve. I really do. I hate the violence. That’s why I had Bill do this. Bill, man, he’s like a mechanism. He’s got the gift of blankness. Once you set him in motion, he will not stop. So, when the season ends, he will gut Cuttino like a pig, and he will try not to get any on his shoes, and there is nothing I can do.”
SF: “WHY?”
IT: “Because you have to save our season, Steve. And because I don’t play. I’m from the chi-town, herb! Bwa-ha-ha… see you at practice tomorrow, YOU HERB!”
(Click)
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Steve Francis: “Yo, who the f*ck is this, calling me, 5:46 in the morning, crack a dawning, now I’m yawning…”
Isiah Thomas: “Yo, G! It’s me, Zeke!”
SF: “Zeke?”
IT: “Yeah, what up? How are you doing?”
SF (slowly awakening): “Zeke. What you want, man?”
IT: “…well…”
SF:”Wait… is it a done deal? Am I brought out?”
IT: “..um…”
SF: “Yeah, I’m a free man! Yo, Cuttino, I’m free ya’ll…”
IT: “…whoa, slow down, Stevie…”
SF: Yeeaah, I’m free, I’m freeeeee!”
IT: “YO! Steve, chill out… listen to me. We haven’t brought you out yet.”
SF (disappointed): “wha?”
IT: “Yeah, I’m sorry. That’s not why I was calling.”
Long pause
IT: “Steve?”
SF: “Yo, what the f*ck are you calling for then?”
IT: “Well, did you hear about Jamal?”
SF: “…uh-huh…”
IT: “…it seems some of Lupica’s boys got to him…”
SF: “yeah…”
IT: “…yeah, they jumped him. Messed him up badly. He’s gonna need surgery on his ankle…”
SF: “…go on…”
IT: “So, I guess, well, we kinda could use you again…”
SF: “OH. I see. Now look who needs the Franchise.”
IT: “Yeah, we need you.”
SF: “YEAH. Now you need me, right? Before it was all ‘Go to Houston, get rehab on your knee’, right? Now its ‘We need you’, huh?”
IT: “Listen man, my job is on the line…”
SF: “Screw you and your job! I’m “rehabbing”, remember? You sent me here because of my “injury”, remember? Too bad, dude. Franchise ain’t available.”
Another pause
IT: “Steven, listen to me. Don’t you want to know what I can offer you?”
SF: “You can’t offer me jack, man!”
IT: “No, seriously… I have to save my job, man. So here’s what I’ll do for you…”
SF: “… here it comes…”
IT: “I’ll play you. You’ll be a star again. Then I can trade you…”
SF: “… yeah, whateva…”
IT: “I can trade you to Bucks, they’re gonna need a point. Or the Lakers maybe… wouldn’t you like that?...”
SF: “The Franchise has heard this before! You told the Franchise that you were gonna play him, then trade him at the deadline. What happened, ZEKE? You lying-ass Vulcan-looking mo-fo…”
IT: “Steve, hear me now. That didn’t work out, but I’ll play you now and trade you in the offseason…”
SF: “…yeah, right…”
IT: “…and if I can’t trade you then I promise we’ll buy you out.”
Re-Pause
SF: “Buy Franchise out? For real?”
IT: “Freedom, Steve. Freedom.”
SF: “I could sign… anywhere?”
IT: “Anywhere Steve. In fact, I heard that the Clippers could use a point.”
SF: “The Clippers?”
IT: “The Clippers. Isn’t your “friend” Cuttino on the Clippers?”
SF: “Baby-boy?”
IT: “The two of you could be a team again.”
SF: “Me and baby-boy?”
IT: “Sing with me, Steve. Re-u-nit-ed…”
SF: “…and it feels so good…”
IT: “Re-u-nit-ed…”
SF: “…cause we understood.”
Damnit, another pause
IT: “Steve, all you have to do is play hard and save my job. Save the Zeke’s job, save the world. Get your freedom. Got it?”
SF: “Fine, I’m in.”
IT: “I knew you would.”
IT: “Oh, one more thing, Steve.”
SF: “Yeah, Zeke?”
IT: “I told Bill Laimbeer that if I didn’t keep my job, he’s to kill Cuttino.”
SF: “WHA?”
IT: “Yeah, you heard me. I hate this, Steve. I really do. I hate the violence. That’s why I had Bill do this. Bill, man, he’s like a mechanism. He’s got the gift of blankness. Once you set him in motion, he will not stop. So, when the season ends, he will gut Cuttino like a pig, and he will try not to get any on his shoes, and there is nothing I can do.”
SF: “WHY?”
IT: “Because you have to save our season, Steve. And because I don’t play. I’m from the chi-town, herb! Bwa-ha-ha… see you at practice tomorrow, YOU HERB!”
(Click)
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